Gut check, heart check, soul check... Breathless. Torn. Missing. How did I get here? Why? This is not me. You are not so dirty and mean. You are a healer. A cleaner. A lover. Not a destroyer of all things lost and all things innocent. Is it that the dark colors, the soulless colors were that of truth? Or where they spots, meant to add depth the the canvas? Will my heart ever find happiness? Or will it wander hopelessly bruising as it bumps into that which surrounds it?
Friends. Who has them? Can you buy them? Can you create them? I surely cant find them... not even the old ones. You tell me to open up, ask for help, bare my soul... I'm calling... where are you? Do you not hear me? Do you not see that I need you? Do you not know me at all? Does it even matter? Shall I ask louder, wait longer? I'm so scared.
I NEED YOU. I'M SCARED. IT'S DARK. I'M LOST. I'VE BEEN HERE. I DON'T LIKE IT. I NEED YOU. I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Lord, I have left you, I have abandoned you... do you still want me? You know I love you. I hope you do. I'm lost. I need YOU. They say that you don't give us more than you can handle, but Lord, this time... I think you might have me confused with someone else. I can't do this. I want to hide. I want to run. I can't breathe. Find Me. Save Me. Forgive Me. Love Me. Please. I know I don't deserve your love or redemption, but I cannot survive this life without you.
Oh 2011... can we start again?
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