Happiness is hiding...

I don't have happiness, can't you see?

The light has gone out, the one inside me.

My heart hurts and aches to the core...

I don't know how I can live like this much more.

I want to run and hide so far away...

Yet every morning I wake and start another day.

Song for the hopeful...

She says to you, "Ingrid Michaelson's 'Maybe' is appropriate".

A New Year... A Bad Start...

Oh today. Today. Today. How I hate the beginning of a New Year. All these promises of new beginnings and fresh starts. All these happy shiny hopes and glimpses of things that will never come. How I wish you would just bear your true colors. How dark and grim they really are.

Gut check, heart check, soul check... Breathless. Torn. Missing. How did I get here? Why? This is not me. You are not so dirty and mean. You are a healer. A cleaner. A lover. Not a destroyer of all things lost and all things innocent. Is it that the dark colors, the soulless colors were that of truth? Or where they spots, meant to add depth the the canvas? Will my heart ever find happiness? Or will it wander hopelessly bruising as it bumps into that which surrounds it?

Friends. Who has them? Can you buy them? Can you create them? I surely cant find them... not even the old ones. You tell me to open up, ask for help, bare my soul... I'm calling... where are you? Do you not hear me? Do you not see that I need you? Do you not know me at all? Does it even matter? Shall I ask louder, wait longer? I'm so scared.

I NEED YOU. I'M SCARED. IT'S DARK. I'M LOST. I'VE BEEN HERE. I DON'T LIKE IT. I NEED YOU. I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Lord, I have left you, I have abandoned you... do you still want me? You know I love you. I hope you do. I'm lost. I need YOU. They say that you don't give us more than you can handle, but Lord, this time... I think you might have me confused with someone else. I can't do this. I want to hide. I want to run. I can't breathe. Find Me. Save Me. Forgive Me. Love Me. Please. I know I don't deserve your love or redemption, but I cannot survive this life without you.

Oh 2011... can we start again?

tired of being wrong

i am so tired of waking up every morning and having to tell myself to breathe. just once i'd like to know which way is up and which way is down. it hurts. i just want to run away and hide from reality...

the day to day tasks are mind numbing and welcome at times, but how will i ever be better when i get lost in nonsense? will i ever be normal? will i ever be happy?

how can one person be so selfish and yet so selfless? i want the world, yet i am too scared to take it. i want love, yet i am too scared to be it. i want hope, yet i am too scared to grab it.

my mind hurts. my body aches. i thought i had the answers to life and love, yet i was so mistaken. did i really just push away the one man who would love all my crazy? all because life got tough. am i really in love with a friend, who seems to be pulling away from me every day. is this person pulling away or am i just scared that they will leave me like everyone else does. everybody leaves. its true. they do. its like a good dose of me and they flee!

all i want is someone who sees me. someone who is attune to me. someone who knows what i need even when i dont. someone who knows i am crying out for help even though i am terrified to ask for it. someone who sees that i have so much to give even though my heart is surrounded by a fort of safe walls. i need someone who is willing to love me for all that i am and all that i could be. for the current self and the person i hope to become. i need someone who isnt scared of dreaming. someone who embraces adventure. someone who has passion burning inside them. someone who can make me feel like the world is my playground. is that too much to ask?

tired of aching. tired of having no more tears to cry. tired of longing. tired of wishing. tired of hoping. tired of feeling empty and cold. tired of mind mazes. tired of being tired

Dreaming Comes So Easily

So today... hurts. My heart hurts, my head hurts, my soul is split into two. How do we find true happiness? Do we make it? Do we find it? Does it find us? I need a retreat. Somewhere out of my head. Somewhere that is safe from my sorrows.

My life is falling apart and all I can do is cry. How is this helpful? Its not. But what can I do about it? Nothing. I just want a wish. One. I don't even need three. That just seems selfish. I just want to find myself. I want to know what is the right decision for me.

Everyone always tells you to follow your heart. But what if your heart is confused and lost? How do you follow that? Sigh.

Here's to hoping my head doesn't explode.

I just wish that I could reside in my own dreams. At least there I have some form of control. At least there I can breathe without the weight of the world resting on my shoulders. At least in my dreams, I am accomplished and I can do anything. Here, in real life...

Dreaming is just so much easier. Dreaming is full of possibilities. Dreaming is full of beauty and joy. Dreaming has hope.

How do we take our dreams and turn them into realities? How do those select few accomplish this? Boy would I love to know their secrets. Just one day... one day where I could live in my dreams! Oh what a day.

Dreaming comes so easily (cause it's all that I've known).